I Feels It a Comin'

Spring's a comin'! I can feels in me right big toe! Ooh it's gonna be a good spring too. I knows it!



I'm really happy. I don't know why, and I don't know how, but I'm happy. Like last last Thursday I had the first actually happy day I've had in a long time. Well an actually happy day when I've had school and not been with friends to get my mind off of things. Plus even when I'm with my friends I get sad at some point or another about my dad. Being happy at school for me is big 'cause usually I just have all this time to be tired and think and be bored, but I was actually happy. I really don't take joy for granted anymore. One moment you feel creative and jovial and the next your peace of mind slips from your grasp and falls flat on the ground. So often am I sad that when I'm happy or excited or content I'm all around even happier just because I'm any mood but melancholy. It doesn't really matter to me why I'm happy it's just that usually I'm in a bored or sad mood and I've been waiting and wishing for actual happiness that lasts and doesn't disappear after a little bit. I may sound loony but it feels soooo good to be in a good mood when you haven't been in one for awhile. I think it's spring that's a helpin' me feels happy, especially the pretty red tulips. I gots me some pretty red tulips in the kitchen a days agos from Sam's Club and we putsed 'em in a pertty vase that mades 'em look all modern and placed just right and nature beautiful tulipy flowerish.

Unfortunately happiness doesn't last forever. But thats okay because I'm happy right now and that's what matters.

Also, a lot of people think I'm over my dad's death because of my happiness and that kind of bugs me. I want everyone to be able to know that I still love him and miss him a ton. It's excruciatingly painful. It's awful. But I'm not gonna let that keep me down forever or even at all. I hate being sad. After feeling so unhappy it feels so glorious to be happy so that I try to stay happy. It seems kind of like some people think, I'm not sure, that I'm maybe a bad person or just weird or something for being happy even though my dad has died, or that I didn't love my dad because I'm still happy sometimes even though he's gone. And you know it isn't like that. I miss my dad terribly. It's just that when I'm happy I want to let it out and joke around and actually feel normal again. Some people ask if I still miss him as if I wouldn't still miss him since I'm so happy sometimes recently and it bugs me because it's like I have to justify my actions or my emotions. I still miss my dad!!! Okay? But I'm not going to be a depressed idiot all the time if that's what you think death should do to people. And if that is what you think then you've got it all wrong. If you've had someone die who you love I think you may be able to relate to the fact that it makes you sad and it makes you want, or at least with me, it makes me want desperately to be happy. To feel happy, and normal, and not cry. And you know, it gets annoying when someone can't control that competitive sort of nature that we all have when we're talking about how I've recovered after my dad's death. I mean I've had people say to me "Oh, well my this person had this person die and it took them 2 years to get over it." Okay well I don't care because I don't need to know how long it took them to, how you think, "get over it". Like anyone who's had a loved one die I have not yet and will never ever "get over it", I will always miss them but that will not stop me from living my life and being who I am.