Do you have my purse?

I'm so annoyed. Yesterday we had a meeting to go to about scheduling classes for next year that was in the LGI room. I brought my purse along, put it down beside my chair, and forgot it. About a half an hour later as we were going to math class I realized I'd left it and went back to get it. When I got to the LGI room and looked in side it wasn't there. It wasn't where I left it nor anywhere else in the room. For the rest of the day I was checking the office and the lost and found to see if it had turned up but no! Today I was checking again and I still haven't found it!!! I'm so mad! We're all pretty sure someone stole my purse. This is bugging me so much because A.) The purse had my dads cellphone in it. B.) It had other things I need in it like my wallet that has my 30 dollar starbucks giftcard and 20 dollars, my brush, and other essential needed things. ARGH! and C.) It was my favorite purse!!!! I miss my purse and must have it back. Man, if I find out someone had my purse but they haven't told me I'm going to shove a pen up their throat!!! Now, if they were to tell me or bring it to me I'd be extremely greatful and probably reward them or something. I want my purse back.

Good Night Moon

Thank you for snow and warm clothes. Thank you for eclipses and old telescopes. Thank you for nifty knitters and yarn. Thank you for fingers and hands. Thank you for chocolate pudding and spoons. Thank you for family and friends. Thank you for homes and beds. Thank you for readers and writers. Thank you for poetry and essays. Thank you for emotions and expressions. Thank you for Mom and Dad and Spencer and for all my relatives and my friends. Thank you for life and for death.

If only I didn't sin. I don't like it, and I say I can't help it, but in saying so I'm sinning because I can help it, and in not trying not to I'm sinning because I don't even try to stop even though I say "if only I didn't sin" I feel bad when my friends hurt my feelings, and because of that I understand how they feel when I hurt their feelings. It makes me feel lonely and sad to have my friends angry at me so I hate myself for ever being so harsh or so mean to my friends. When we get mad at each other I feel bad because not only do they hurt me but I hurt them. I want to try to stop but when I do, things come up from before I tried to stop, and then I go back to my old ways.

I must be a terrible person. I try to be nice but people avoid me. I may not know them well or be good friends with them or just haven't been around them much recently but I feel bad because they seem to not like me and that means I must have hurt their feelings.

I feel so emotionally and physically drained at the end of every single day. I'm exhausted.

Moody

Wow. Yesterday night I was completely down. But today I woke up on the right side of the bed. I'm happy, and cheery, and all around happy about it. Probably because I'm getting together with some friends today to shop. Yay! I'm happy that I'm happy. It's good I'm in a good mood because I won't be bringing down anyone else when we shop! Now I just need to find something to eat 'cuz I'm starving! I was drinking some orange juice this morning and for some reason orange juice always makes me hungry. Hungry hungry hungry... Must find sustanance!

Different Frame of Mind

Great! Now I'm sad again. And you may be able to detect a hint of anger. I don't know. I miss my dad. Just two seconds ago I just felt dullish maybe a hint happy and now all of a sudden I'm sad. I hate hormones and puberty, and I hate death. I wish I could just go to sleep and when I wake up it's springtime, my dad is back and it's the beginning of spring break. It's sunny outside and I'm laughing and joking around with my dad. Ugh. I feel like I'm gonna puke. From my dad's death and from starting to get hormonal I'm constantly pouring my heart out. I'm letting out all these emotions and then I'm left feeling empty and dull and depressed. I feel as though I could just open my mouth and with a waterfallish effect words would just pour out and overflow over my lower jaw. Splashing as they hit the ground. I bet if a psychiatrist read all the posts on my blog they might suspect I'm depressed. Well, they probably wouldn't but I think I'm depressed. Well not really. Although I am off kilter. We're supposed to have a range of emotions. some days your happy some days your sad. But if you living a good life then it should be even, or happiness should exist a little more. Or at least this is my belief. With me, and I don't want to sound overdramatic or bigheaded or look at me I'm depressed although I probably do, I'm happy, sure, but not the true happy when my dad was around. Oh God, I feel like I'm gonna drown in all my thoughts. Ugh! I have so much to type out its all just racing around not stopping or allowing me to really think. Things pop up and out and others come and then get lost and.. and. Okay, what I was saying was that I'm happy or excited sometimes, and I'm sad too. The sadness though, seems like it's there more often. And really anytime I'm thinking if I'm happy I feel like I wish I was happy like this more often and when I'm sad I feel like I'm drowning and I wish I weren't so sad all the time. And for some reason my brain thinks that by explaining it it will go away. Or if explain anything that what I explain will work out. My head feels like it's filling with warm if not hot water, and getting heavier and heavier, and my throat's closing up and I'm gonna puke and drown and die. Like I'm under water. In my mind. Under water, under my thoughts. And I'm trying to swim up. To get up and above this ocean. It has waves that slosh me I move among the thoughts unable to center myself. Gasping for air but unable to get it because I'm under water. Right now I can't get up. But I really really want to. I just want to take a big breath of cool springtime happy sunny peaceful air.

Poor Trees

It's been so windy today. I just got back from camping with my Girl Scout troop. We had a cabin all to ourselves. It was fun. All the cabin was cruddy. The ceiling was kind of caving in were the fireplace was. But it had a kitchen and a bathroom a sort of dining area and a room for us all to sleep. There were a ton of these cot mats for us to stack up about 2 or 3 high and put our sleeping bags on. Those were fun. There were fours bigs stack to in each of the corners of the sleeping room. There were plenty for us to take for each of us to sleep on and the stacks still were about 3 feet from the ceiling. Anyway we were taking turns running and seeing who could sprint towards the mat stacks and get up on top. We sat up on top of them and played cards. Every so often they'd tip over and we'd have to pick them back up and fix it but figured out how to do everything right to keep it stable. I had a ton of fun. We even found a dead mouse in the kitchen. As I said before it's been really windy today. There are all these sudden gusts of wind and the pine trees in my back yard are whipping around like crazy. Here I have a Haikuish wind poem.


Gusts of wind
Breaking the calm
Every so often

Valentines Day~ Warning! May cause severe indegestion and stomach acheness due to overindulging.

Well Valentine's Day was fun. Although my stomach hurts now. My mom gave me a huge bag of pink red and white m&m's as a Valentine's (she gave my brother a bag of only green m&m's, perhaps to match his room, and everything else he owns) Anyway I just finished eating a TON and now I feel awful. Aw well. Yesterday among the things I did, was that I made a green fleece worm finger puppet named Felty, and a white fleece stuffed square ,with 2 button eyes and a felt mouth, named Bloxle. Anywayzez I hope ya'll had a good Valentine's Day.

Unexpected Poetry

Hello friends. Maybe some of you know I've decided to write a book of poetry called "Unexpected Poetry" Who knows if it will somehow become published or if I'll even finish. I hope I do though. I'm planning on writing 200 poems and selecting around 150 of them or more. I know that sounds like a lot but if I do between 5 and 7 seven poems a day I can get it done in about a month. I plan on posting the occasional poem that I write for it so I can get some critique. And here is one poem I'm proud of. It's a little Shel Silverstein-ish but I like it that way.


Landwich

For lunch I had a landwich,
With mustard and some cheese
I made it myself,
With the slightest of ease
With mountainous lettuce,
And swampy tomatoes
With desertlike lunchmeat,
And thin sliced potatoes
With volcanic sauces,
It had valleys of bread,
And when I couldn’t find a drink,
I had an ocean instead

Extreme Joy

I'm sooo happy. I'm so happy that I'm extremely joyous!! You wanna know why I'm so happy that I'm extremely joyous? My sock monkey from Esty has finally arrived! Yippee! Yay! Yes! Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Oh ya! Finally!!!! She is sooo cute. Her name is Emma she is purple and comes from Australia. I'm gonna take her to show you guys on Monday to school. She is awesome. Whoopee-dee-do-da! Yippee-ky-yay! Yay!!!!

100!

I thought I'd post this this poem I wrote about my blog to be my hundredth post.


My Blog

A home
A room
An escape
Talking
Familiar
Friendly
Content
Friends pick me up here
Feelings let out
Makes me happy


Happy one-hundredth post day! Which also happens to be a half day...Even better!

I'm posting too much. Oh well.

I am definitely posting way too much. It makes me feel a ton better when I post and recently I have been have an overflow over depressing sad thoughts, and other emotions. I love music you know? It makes me feel so free to listen to the music I love. Listen to In Other Words by Ben Kweller on youtube or something. Great song. I love it. Today I have been very sad and really just sad altogether recently. I just wish I could get rid of my saddness for awhile. I miss my dad soooo badly right now. Like my mind keeps telling me go find dad and talk to him. I want so badly to see him lying in my parents bed watching tv and preparing for the super bowl. I just want to go in and lie down next to him, and silently watch tv. He'd of course as usual be flipping channels. Maybe we'd start a conversation. I amnow crying. Just thought I'd let you know. Summer Hearts by Nik Freitas is playing on my pandora station. It's pretty. I miss my dad so much. I feel like I'll puke. I hate this it hurts so much. So badly. And there's nothing I can dod about it. I can't stop my emotions or anything. I miss him. I want to see him so badly. I want to. Oh I really wish I could. So, so, so much. I want to talk to him, and hug him, and tell him I love him. Still crying*...

Bourne Ultimatum

Just finished watching Bourne Ultimatum the last in the Jason Bourne trilogy. Great movie series. The ending was awesome but it did make a big void. And I know there won't be anymore made because they are movies made from books and there were only three books. Anyway it's a great movie. It kind of made me sad though because my dad and the whole family had watched the first two and when it came out a little while before he died he had wanted to go see it in the theater but we never did. He loved those movies so while I watched the movie I kept thinking of the things he would have said at each of the different action scenes. I really wish we'd have gone to the movie with him and all of us together. We'd just kept putting it off and I just wish we had. sigh* I have to go now because I need to do my homework.

My Unhappy Just Written Down

Everunfading

The old man, the little girl
the mother and the son
We lose a war we win a war
Not all our battles can be won
We bend we break
Pain heals
Pain stays
Some scars wil never fade
Eversad
Evermissing
But never healed
Scarred
A shell of past self
Missing
Void
Unfilled forever
Never Healed



Wondering Save Me

Sad
Longing
Knowing
Is it our knowledge that we will never again see our missing loved ones that truly causes us saddness?
No?
Yes?
Questions.
Rolling through my head like the billowing clouds that roll through the sky
Like life rolls through me
As I am confused
My emotions. After so much use. Are dulled.
I am bored. I am Lifeless.
Dead.
I wish not to go anywhere or to do anything.
I beg for something exciting to happen.
To free me from depression.
Distract me. Remind me you are there.
For I slip. I clutch and let go. Grabbing at the air.
As I fall from the edge.
Why?
When anger and saddness mix and burn out they leave me.
A hopeful hopeless wanting needing help
Just throw me the rope. I need the life preserver now
I've given up
And now I need saving.



Without Dad

Without dad I will never again truly be playing catch or playing tennis
Without dad I will never again go with my family of four to Olive Garden
Without dad I will never again make a true family memory
Without dad I will never again watch Spongbob without being sad
Without dad I will never again make something and hear the praise I truly want
Without dad I will never again help fix things
Without dad I will never again be daddy's little girl
Without dad I am hurt.



Crying

Tears are falling now
They hit the ground
Like bombs that bring the truth
Like rain on a clouded day
Like a prison
Like freedom
Running down my cheeks
Blurring my view
Shamefully they were
Torn from me
Ripped from me
Stolen by my emotions
Like blood leaking from a wound
They come from an everwounded heart
Bursting from me
Freeing themselves
Lost in the escape
Hurting and wounded as they fall
Letting it out may not ever be easy



The Choice

I need your help.
I'm slipping from my life.
Sitting on a ledge
I'm in trouble.
Am I?
On the edge
Do I really care?
Do I.
Hanging from the rope
If I fall will it really matter?
Questions.
Letting go
If I leave will I be happy?
Will you miss me?
Yes.
If I stay will I be happy?
Is life no good?
No.
Clutching a thread
I miss him.
I need him.
But I can't let go.
Not dead

Wimpy Wimpy Wimpy HEFTY! HEFTY! HEFTY!

I'm bored again. I'm probably going to unlock my blog soonish so you guys won't have to log in. Bored Bored Bored. Actualy not only am I bored, I'm tired and my stomach hurts. Me and my complaintive self. So how has everyone been doing? This week has been quite uneventful except for that wimpy snow today. I'm angry everyone kept talking about it saying oh ya it's gonna be 4 to 8 inches or something when really each time I checked the weather during the week it would say Carmel is getting more like 2 to 4 inches. Unfortunately, the weather station I watch was correct and our snow today was "WIMPY WIMPY WIMPY" and thus we only had a 2 hour delay. Boohoo. Oh well I don't mind going to school. I don't know what I'd have done all day otherwise. Soooo... ummm... you know right now my life is rather boring. Maybe it's the weather. Can't go outside. Or maybe it's the people. Who knows what I want or need or will ever get. Ho-hum. Oh-well! Gotta cheer up. There is no way I'm spiraling into a deep depression to be forever dull and unhappy! Nuh-uh! I think I'm just tired is all. Last night I stayed up until 12pm because my mom was helping spencer with some dumb last minute paper he had to do. Of course I couldn't get to sleep and stayed up watching them find synonyms for certain words, spellcheck, and fix the rest of spencer's rough draft. That must be it. I'M TIRED! Ya...but I am also craving something. Or someone.. Who knows!?! ...hey look I kind of made a butterfly! {)i(} heh heh..uh