Different Frame of Mind

Great! Now I'm sad again. And you may be able to detect a hint of anger. I don't know. I miss my dad. Just two seconds ago I just felt dullish maybe a hint happy and now all of a sudden I'm sad. I hate hormones and puberty, and I hate death. I wish I could just go to sleep and when I wake up it's springtime, my dad is back and it's the beginning of spring break. It's sunny outside and I'm laughing and joking around with my dad. Ugh. I feel like I'm gonna puke. From my dad's death and from starting to get hormonal I'm constantly pouring my heart out. I'm letting out all these emotions and then I'm left feeling empty and dull and depressed. I feel as though I could just open my mouth and with a waterfallish effect words would just pour out and overflow over my lower jaw. Splashing as they hit the ground. I bet if a psychiatrist read all the posts on my blog they might suspect I'm depressed. Well, they probably wouldn't but I think I'm depressed. Well not really. Although I am off kilter. We're supposed to have a range of emotions. some days your happy some days your sad. But if you living a good life then it should be even, or happiness should exist a little more. Or at least this is my belief. With me, and I don't want to sound overdramatic or bigheaded or look at me I'm depressed although I probably do, I'm happy, sure, but not the true happy when my dad was around. Oh God, I feel like I'm gonna drown in all my thoughts. Ugh! I have so much to type out its all just racing around not stopping or allowing me to really think. Things pop up and out and others come and then get lost and.. and. Okay, what I was saying was that I'm happy or excited sometimes, and I'm sad too. The sadness though, seems like it's there more often. And really anytime I'm thinking if I'm happy I feel like I wish I was happy like this more often and when I'm sad I feel like I'm drowning and I wish I weren't so sad all the time. And for some reason my brain thinks that by explaining it it will go away. Or if explain anything that what I explain will work out. My head feels like it's filling with warm if not hot water, and getting heavier and heavier, and my throat's closing up and I'm gonna puke and drown and die. Like I'm under water. In my mind. Under water, under my thoughts. And I'm trying to swim up. To get up and above this ocean. It has waves that slosh me I move among the thoughts unable to center myself. Gasping for air but unable to get it because I'm under water. Right now I can't get up. But I really really want to. I just want to take a big breath of cool springtime happy sunny peaceful air.