Extreme Joy

I'm sooo happy. I'm so happy that I'm extremely joyous!! You wanna know why I'm so happy that I'm extremely joyous? My sock monkey from Esty has finally arrived! Yippee! Yay! Yes! Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Oh ya! Finally!!!! She is sooo cute. Her name is Emma she is purple and comes from Australia. I'm gonna take her to show you guys on Monday to school. She is awesome. Whoopee-dee-do-da! Yippee-ky-yay! Yay!!!!

100!

I thought I'd post this this poem I wrote about my blog to be my hundredth post.


My Blog

A home
A room
An escape
Talking
Familiar
Friendly
Content
Friends pick me up here
Feelings let out
Makes me happy


Happy one-hundredth post day! Which also happens to be a half day...Even better!

I'm posting too much. Oh well.

I am definitely posting way too much. It makes me feel a ton better when I post and recently I have been have an overflow over depressing sad thoughts, and other emotions. I love music you know? It makes me feel so free to listen to the music I love. Listen to In Other Words by Ben Kweller on youtube or something. Great song. I love it. Today I have been very sad and really just sad altogether recently. I just wish I could get rid of my saddness for awhile. I miss my dad soooo badly right now. Like my mind keeps telling me go find dad and talk to him. I want so badly to see him lying in my parents bed watching tv and preparing for the super bowl. I just want to go in and lie down next to him, and silently watch tv. He'd of course as usual be flipping channels. Maybe we'd start a conversation. I amnow crying. Just thought I'd let you know. Summer Hearts by Nik Freitas is playing on my pandora station. It's pretty. I miss my dad so much. I feel like I'll puke. I hate this it hurts so much. So badly. And there's nothing I can dod about it. I can't stop my emotions or anything. I miss him. I want to see him so badly. I want to. Oh I really wish I could. So, so, so much. I want to talk to him, and hug him, and tell him I love him. Still crying*...

Bourne Ultimatum

Just finished watching Bourne Ultimatum the last in the Jason Bourne trilogy. Great movie series. The ending was awesome but it did make a big void. And I know there won't be anymore made because they are movies made from books and there were only three books. Anyway it's a great movie. It kind of made me sad though because my dad and the whole family had watched the first two and when it came out a little while before he died he had wanted to go see it in the theater but we never did. He loved those movies so while I watched the movie I kept thinking of the things he would have said at each of the different action scenes. I really wish we'd have gone to the movie with him and all of us together. We'd just kept putting it off and I just wish we had. sigh* I have to go now because I need to do my homework.

My Unhappy Just Written Down

Everunfading

The old man, the little girl
the mother and the son
We lose a war we win a war
Not all our battles can be won
We bend we break
Pain heals
Pain stays
Some scars wil never fade
Eversad
Evermissing
But never healed
Scarred
A shell of past self
Missing
Void
Unfilled forever
Never Healed



Wondering Save Me

Sad
Longing
Knowing
Is it our knowledge that we will never again see our missing loved ones that truly causes us saddness?
No?
Yes?
Questions.
Rolling through my head like the billowing clouds that roll through the sky
Like life rolls through me
As I am confused
My emotions. After so much use. Are dulled.
I am bored. I am Lifeless.
Dead.
I wish not to go anywhere or to do anything.
I beg for something exciting to happen.
To free me from depression.
Distract me. Remind me you are there.
For I slip. I clutch and let go. Grabbing at the air.
As I fall from the edge.
Why?
When anger and saddness mix and burn out they leave me.
A hopeful hopeless wanting needing help
Just throw me the rope. I need the life preserver now
I've given up
And now I need saving.



Without Dad

Without dad I will never again truly be playing catch or playing tennis
Without dad I will never again go with my family of four to Olive Garden
Without dad I will never again make a true family memory
Without dad I will never again watch Spongbob without being sad
Without dad I will never again make something and hear the praise I truly want
Without dad I will never again help fix things
Without dad I will never again be daddy's little girl
Without dad I am hurt.



Crying

Tears are falling now
They hit the ground
Like bombs that bring the truth
Like rain on a clouded day
Like a prison
Like freedom
Running down my cheeks
Blurring my view
Shamefully they were
Torn from me
Ripped from me
Stolen by my emotions
Like blood leaking from a wound
They come from an everwounded heart
Bursting from me
Freeing themselves
Lost in the escape
Hurting and wounded as they fall
Letting it out may not ever be easy



The Choice

I need your help.
I'm slipping from my life.
Sitting on a ledge
I'm in trouble.
Am I?
On the edge
Do I really care?
Do I.
Hanging from the rope
If I fall will it really matter?
Questions.
Letting go
If I leave will I be happy?
Will you miss me?
Yes.
If I stay will I be happy?
Is life no good?
No.
Clutching a thread
I miss him.
I need him.
But I can't let go.
Not dead

Wimpy Wimpy Wimpy HEFTY! HEFTY! HEFTY!

I'm bored again. I'm probably going to unlock my blog soonish so you guys won't have to log in. Bored Bored Bored. Actualy not only am I bored, I'm tired and my stomach hurts. Me and my complaintive self. So how has everyone been doing? This week has been quite uneventful except for that wimpy snow today. I'm angry everyone kept talking about it saying oh ya it's gonna be 4 to 8 inches or something when really each time I checked the weather during the week it would say Carmel is getting more like 2 to 4 inches. Unfortunately, the weather station I watch was correct and our snow today was "WIMPY WIMPY WIMPY" and thus we only had a 2 hour delay. Boohoo. Oh well I don't mind going to school. I don't know what I'd have done all day otherwise. Soooo... ummm... you know right now my life is rather boring. Maybe it's the weather. Can't go outside. Or maybe it's the people. Who knows what I want or need or will ever get. Ho-hum. Oh-well! Gotta cheer up. There is no way I'm spiraling into a deep depression to be forever dull and unhappy! Nuh-uh! I think I'm just tired is all. Last night I stayed up until 12pm because my mom was helping spencer with some dumb last minute paper he had to do. Of course I couldn't get to sleep and stayed up watching them find synonyms for certain words, spellcheck, and fix the rest of spencer's rough draft. That must be it. I'M TIRED! Ya...but I am also craving something. Or someone.. Who knows!?! ...hey look I kind of made a butterfly! {)i(} heh heh..uh

Banging-Head-Against-"Wall"

Ya I'm hurting myself again! But this time I'm not lonely. I'm just really bored. That and I don't want to do my math homework or go to you know where tomorrow. (DON'T JINX IT!!!!!) Not much else going on although my purple friend is going to be here in a couple of days or so. She's coming all the way from Australia so going over seas may take a while. Anyway I'm gonna have to bring her, her name as I said before is Emma, so I'm gonna have to bring Emma in to school once I get her. Don't forget to sleep with your pj's inside out and with a metal spoon under your pillow!